“For us, there is only the trying,” wrote T.S. Eliot. “The rest is not our business.”
I recently read this quote and breathed a huge sigh of relief. See, lately I’ve been feeling anxious about some of the goals I’ve set. What if I launch X project, but it flops? What if I can’t make good on all the plans in my head? What if Y dream never materializes?
Eliot’s quote reminded me that, while I can influence outcomes, I cannot control them.
When I remembered that, I felt better.
Attachment to Outcomes Keeps Us Stuck
I’m all for setting goals and dreaming dreams. Having the courage to envision a new and improved something-or-other – whether it’s a state of health, a work project, a financial goal, an improved relationship, or something else – is a large part of what constitutes leadership, and a fulfilling life generally.
But when I hyper-focus on the result, I easily get distracted from the small steps I can take today to coax that dream or goal into being. A yawning chasm forms between current me (nowhere near my goal) and future me (superstar goal-actualizer). The space between gets filled with anxiety and self-doubt, as in: “What if it turns out I really can’t execute???”
This fretful self-doubt causes me to suffer. I don’t like suffering. So I escape back into daydreaming about the completed goal. The gap between current me and future me widens further, causing more anxiety. The cycle deepens.
This is what it’s like to feel stuck.
The Trying
Do you have a dream or goal that feels exciting, but also triggers a stultifying sense of self-doubt? If yes, the most self-compassionate and self-motivating thing you can do is to try trying rather than sit ruminating.
Here’s how to do that:
- Inner boundaries. Stop obsessing about the end result. Maybe use Eliot’s line as a mantra: “The [outcome] is not my business.”
- Mini Milestones. Take out a piece of paper and write down 2 to 5 milestones along the way.
- Everyday Progress. Now write down some daily actions you can take to move towards those milestones.
- Immediate Implementation. Actually do one of the actions in step 3. Really, right now! Do it! Even if it’s really really small.
Compassionate and effective self-leadership is an art, but it’s also eminently practical. If you vacillate between feeling inspired and frozen when you think about your hopes and dreams, there’s nothing wrong with you. It just means you’re human.
I want you to realize those dreams. But more than that, I want you to grow wiser, stronger, calmer, and kinder as you do so.
Keep going. Keep trying. That’s all there is.
