A year and a half ago, I experienced a moment that still makes me cringe. I missed seeing my son score a goal during a soccer game because my attention was glued to a Microsoft Word document titled “The Compassion Advantage” on my laptop.
Against my better judgment, I’d brought my computer to Bennett’s game because I was intent on finishing a section in the book I was writing on compassionate leadership. I’d justified bringing my computer to the game by telling myself, “I’ll just putter with the document while Bennett’s not on the field.”
It was the wrong call.
I’ll never forget the way my heart sank when, after the game, Bennett ran up to me with hurt and anger in his sweet face and voice. “Mom. You were looking at your computer when I scored! You totally missed it. You hurt my feelings so much!”
The irony of withholding my compassionate attention to my own son so that I could make progress on a book on compassion wasn’t lost on me. It was one of the lowest points in my ongoing quest to be an excellent (and compassionate!) mom and professional.e qualifiers.
Busyness Kills the Heart
Why am I sharing this wince-worthy parenting moment with you? Well, first, for all the people out there trying to be a superparent and a superprofessional: I get it. It’s sometimes so hard to slow down and pay uninterrupted attention when we are so pressed for time, with way too much to do.
We all need to give ourselves hefty doses of self-compassion when we try to juggle work and parenting, but fall flat on our faces. We’ve all been there.
Yet, it remains the case that the greatest gift we can give those we love and lead is our attention, and attention takes time, courage, and grit.
All of us must find the inward resolve to slow down, let other things lie, and clear out uninterrupted minutes to be fully present.
As compassion researchers Hougaard and Carter say, “busyness kills the heart.”
When you spend your energy and minutes being present to people, it can seem like the exact opposite of productive. After all, your own to-do list doesn’t lighten just because you’re prioritizing people over tasks.
This is why it’s courageous. Rest assured, though: taking time to slow down and truly tend to those who matter to you is never the wrong call. That holds true in all spheres of life (including kids’ soccer games!).
The Changes that Matter
Since that missed soccer goal, I’ve committed to putting my to-do list on the back burner while I’m spending time with my son, Bennett, or with my two nieces, Elsie and Clara. In other words, I’ve resolved to not let busyness kill my heart!
To be fair, there are still moments when I get hooked by an urgent message or task. I’m not perfect. But in general, my phone and computer now get ignored when I’m connecting with the kiddos in my life.
Since making this commitment, I’ve noticed changes in my interactions with Bennett and my nieces. There’s a greater ease with eye contact, more shared laughter, and a natural back-and-forth to conversations. Bennett’s anxiety has seemed to lessen, too, because he doesn’t feel like he’s competing for my attention.
This is what I’ve learned, and keep learning: If I can’t set aside my task list to be truly and compassionately there for those most important to me, then my task list needs trimming, and my values need solidifying.
As we navigate the busyness of life, may we each find the courage to prioritize what truly matters. In our roles as compassionate leaders, let us embrace the moments that foster connection and understanding, allowing our relationships to thrive.
