If you’re someone who aims to live and lead with compassion, what do you do when you’re irritated, exasperated, or outright infuriated?
An Unexpected Encounter
Recently while traveling, I found myself confronted by a stranger’s unwarranted fury, and I had to figure out what to do with my own reaction.
It was a particularly crowded time at the airport. I was headed to my gate, running a little behind. A man stood on the left side of the moving walkway, blocking those of us who wished to continue on. As I approached him, I politely said “Excuse me,” expecting him to simply move aside.
Instead, he erupted in anger, yelling at me for attempting to pass and demanding that I stay put.
I was stunned by his tirade. I froze in apologetic silence, staring down. But after a minute or so, with other people who wished to walk piling up behind me, I found myself getting indignant. My heartbeat raced, as did my thoughts. My breathing picked up. And pretty soon I was just plain outraged.
Now hear me out, friends: I’m not an “outbursty” type of person! But this guy? This stranger who unfairly berated and humiliated me? Suddenly I wanted to yell right back.
Was there about to be a Jerry Springer fight in Concourse D?
Space and Curiosity to the Rescue
At that moment, I managed to remember what I coach so many others to do when they feel overrun by emotional reactivity: create space and get curious.
Space and curiosity are what give you the power to choose what to do with your frustration.
In this case, I took a step back from the man—both physically and emotionally.
And then, I became curious about his outburst. This kind of thing isn’t run-of-the-mill airport behavior. Clearly, he was grappling with something deeper. Was he traveling due to a family tragedy? Was he suffering with a mental illness? Or was he simply fed up with the pace of modern life, and after decades of overwhelm, finally decided to unleash his irritation at someone who seemed a bit rushed?
I remember reciting inwardly the famous saying attributed to first-century philosopher Philo of Alexandria: “Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.”
With some deep breaths, and an inward admission that I simply don’t know what this man is going through, I managed to avoid making an even bigger scene at the airport. (And that was compassionate for everyone!)
But what did I do with my frustration and indignation? Which — even when I got to my gate — weren’t exactly going away?
Self-Compassion: Acknowledge What’s Underneath
I sat down and took a moment to acknowledge and soothe my feelings. There was a lot going on. I still felt shocked and miffed. But I also felt embarrassed. Threatened. Disappointed that no one stepped in to defend me.
See, frustration is usually the tip of the iceberg. If you stay with it, it can point you to the deeper stuff (like shame, fear, grief). That’s the stuff that needs to be seen and soothed.
“Of course you got pissed off, most people would!! It was public bullying, and it made you feel all sorts of uncomfortable. You’re okay, sweetheart,” I said to myself.
Once I acknowledged the complexity of my emotions, I was able to let the incident go. It was in the past, and I had a great day ahead of me.
Gaining Control of Our Reactions
Here are some helpful questions to consider when an unexpected emotion, like intense frustration, arises:
· What’s the purpose of this frustration?
· What’s this frustration trying to tell me?
· What’s buried beneath my frustration, and how can I care for it?
· Given my values, how do I want to act here?
Asking these questions of ourselves is deeply compassionate, and also very pragmatic. It helps us understand our emotions in a kind way. But it also holds us accountable to our values. And it prepares us for future challenges.
Susan David puts it this way:
“If you can confront both your internal feelings and your external options—while maintaining the distinction between the two—you’ll have a much better chance at having a good day, not to mention a meaningful life.”
Our behaviors aren’t fixed, and neither are our emotions. With space and curiosity, followed up by intentional self-compassion and remembrance of values, both can be shifted.
We really can learn to respond to incredibly tough situations (and frustrating people!) in ways that align with the kind of person we’re aiming to be in this world.
It’s not about eliminating frustration. Rather, it’s about learning to manage it in ways that align with our values and enhance our leadership of both self and other.
