As an academic at heart, the arrival of fall fills me with excitement for the new school year—a season brimming with opportunities for growth and discovery. Yet, as a parent of an elementary school child, this time also brings an all-too-familiar emotion: the dread of sickness. While my mind races with ideas for work and creative projects, I often find myself clinging to how I want things to unfold. But as we know, nothing is set in stone—especially when it comes to children and the germs they bring home.
When I’m faced with rearranging my work schedule to care for a sick little one, I am reminded of the importance of emotional flexibility. This challenge often highlights the pitfalls of maladaptive perfectionism, which can lead to frustration and rigidity.
Understanding Maladaptive Perfectionism
Holding ourselves to high standards is admirable, but it can sometimes spiral into what researchers define as maladaptive perfectionism. Key traits of this mindset include:
· Self-criticism and shame
· Difficulty bouncing back from setbacks
· Avoidance of situations that may expose weaknesses
· Rigid problem-solving approaches
· Procrastination and isolation
· Anxiety and depression
· Defensive instincts to protect one’s ego
· Inability to disconnect from work
· Burnout and excessive criticism of others
These traits—self-judgment, rigidity, procrastination, anxiety, and defensiveness—stand in stark contrast to resilience, the ability to recover swiftly from setbacks. Chronic worry about not measuring up can undermine both our mental and physical health, potentially accelerating biological aging.
For leaders grappling with the moments when maladaptive perfectionism reveals its ugly head, the effects can ripple through the entire team (or family), creating an atmosphere of stress and inadequacy.
The Power of Emotional Agility
Our emotions guide us through life’s complexities which is why responding to unexpected circumstances with rigidity can feel instinctive. However, emotional rigidity can cause us to fixate on thoughts and feelings that no longer serve us well. For example, when my child has to stay home from school due to sickness, my thoughts often spiral out of control with, “I won’t have enough time to finish this project,” or “I’ll have to stay up late to work and be exhausted all week.” This worry can snowball into other concerns about my child falling behind in school, only amplifying my anxiety more.
In these challenging moments, we are faced with a choice: react impulsively, which may lead to frustration and guilt, or take a step back to pause. This pause allows you to acknowledge your reality: your child is unwell, you are most likely unwell (or will catch it soon!) and there’s a lot on your plate.
Recognizing that “this is a lot” is vital. Accept your current situation without judgment. Remember: this phase won’t last forever. Emotions ebb and flow, and the pressures you face will eventually ease.
Cultivating Emotional Flexibility
Cultivating emotional agility involves unhooking from unhelpful thoughts and anchoring ourselves in the present moment. By holding our thoughts and emotions loosely—with curiosity and compassion—we can remain flexible in how we respond to everyday challenges. This adaptability is crucial for aligning our behaviors with our core values, ultimately enhancing our well-being and success.
Rigidity can often hinder our ability to live in alignment with our values, such as the desire to excel at work while being a loving, attentive parent. When unexpected changes occur, my inner perfectionist tends to panic. However, it is in these moments that I have a choice. By embracing flexibility, I create the space to make decisions that honor my core values, allowing me to balance my professional responsibilities while caring for my son as he recovers.
Take a moment to reflect: “How can I align my actions with my values today?”Instead of letting your thoughts spiral into a whirlwind of future tasks and worries, focus on what you can do right now that serves both your well-being and that of your loved ones.
Remember, it’s not about making perfect choices or labeling decisions as right or wrong. It’s about selecting what feels best for your life and propels you toward your goals. Embracing this mindset fosters resilience and allows us to navigate life’s complexities with grace.
Embracing the Challenge
This balancing act is undoubtedly challenging. Yet, as leaders, we face difficult decisions daily, and emotional agility is a vital tool to help us become the compassionate individuals we aspire to be.
As emotional agility expert Susan David beautifully puts it, “Emotional agility is about loosening up, calming down, and living with more intention.” By cultivating emotional agility, we not only enhance our own lives but also shape how our children navigate their world. In a reality where nothing is static, this approach leads to flourishing.