When I was finishing up my dissertation, a respected colleague whom I considered a friend offered to read and comment on my very last chapter. When I met him for beers a week after I’d sent the draft, I expected slaps on the back and toasts to an almost-completed Ph.D.
What I received instead shocked and leveled me. My colleague not only cruelly criticized my entire approach; he insulted my intelligence and character, accusing me of being a lazy, naive, and shallow thinker.
I went home, curled up in the fetal position under my desk, and sobbed. Later, my wonderful then-husband (now-wasbund) cooked me butternut squash and fried eggs. I somehow managed to scrape myself off the floor, slink into my desk chair, and begin the long journey back to confidence in my own ideas.
In the weeks following, I managed to see the validity in some of my colleague’s criticisms. (And yes, I finished my dissertation, defended it “with distinction”, and graduated a few months later!)
But I still think back on that moment—in a Rogers Park barstool near Loyola University Chicago—when I was forced to take in such callous, character-corroding feedback.
Maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of criticism like that. It’s awful, isn’t it?
Now. If you’re a leader who cares about compassion (and most folks on my email list are!), you likely want to steer very clear of anything approaching what I just described.
Yet, you know providing candid, critical feedback is a crucial part of being an effective leader of a high-performing team.
As a leader responsible for helping your team improve, how do you avoid (on one hand) the arrogance of judging someone’s character and (on the other) the cowardice of failing to point out what is wrong?
Compassionate Criticism in 4 Steps
When you provide critical feedback to your team, the goal is always to do it in a way that makes others feel empowered rather than emptied. Indeed — that’s a hallmark of effective, compassionate leadership.
The “Four C” method below is based on two core assumptions. First, fact-based forthrightness is an essential gift. Second, caring and supportive reassurance is a necessary balm.
Without further ado, here is one helpful framework for delivering corrective criticism with care and clarity.
1. Establish the Context
Identify the specific situation or event that requires your feedback. For example, “I noticed something in this morning’s team meeting…”
2. Describe the Conduct
Objectively articulate the behavior or decision that needs attention. For example, “You didn’t speak up when Xiong argued we do X, even though I know you disagree strongly.”
3. Discuss the Consequences
Explain the impact the conduct had on the team, project, or organization. For example, “Now our team has the false appearance of unanimous agreement, and your valid concerns went unnoted.”
4. Offer a Care Statement
Express your belief in the individual’s potential and your commitment to supporting their evolution as a person and professional.
For example, “I’m pointing this out for three reasons: I respect your expertise, I think the team should hear your hesitations, and I want to help address whatever is making you feel uncomfortable in speaking your mind in our meetings.”
Other examples of care statements include:
- “You’re on this team for a reason; I know the expectations are high, but I also know you can meet and exceed them.”
- “What barriers can I help remove so you can step into all I know you’re capable of?”
By following this approach, you can transform potentially difficult conversations into opportunities to grow skills, improve performance, instill confidence, and strengthen trust.
It’s About the Work, not the Person
Steve Jobs once said:
“The most important thing I think you can do for somebody who’s really good and who’s really being counted on is to point out to them when they’re not—when their work isn’t good enough. And to do it very clearly and to articulate why … and to get them back on track.”*
Notice Jobs’ mid-sentence correction. It’s not that people aren’t good enough — it’s that their work isn’t.
As compassionate leaders providing needed criticism, we always want to bear this in mind: It’s not about the person’s character, personality, or essence. Rather, it’s about their choices, actions, inactions, work, and/or words.
In an era of constant change and uncertainty, compassionate leadership isn’t just a moral imperative – it’s a strategic advantage. By embracing the “Four C” method for compassionate criticism, you really can grow a work environment where your team continually learns and grows, where criticism strengthens trust, and where no one ever needs to make like a blubbering neonate under their desk!
*Quoted in Kim Scott, Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity (New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2019), 37.
