June was a busy keynote season for me! Lots of lights, energy, and excitement. Loved it! But I’m an introvert at heart, and my favorite way to decompress after being on the big stage is to go back to my hotel room, get into my pajamas, and cozy up with reruns of Friends (and sometimes Golden Girls) while I cruise Uber Eats – deliberating over tonight’s yummy dinner.
A few weeks ago, while munching a spicy-crunchy-dragon-tuna maki roll thing in my flannel pants, I teared up TWICE – two different episodes, two different scenes, one common theme: The precious, irreplaceable value of being physically surrounded by people you love and trust when you’re walking through sadness and loss.
If you know Friends, you’ll remember the time when Ross falls in love with a girl named Emily, who’s British. The two are quickly engaged, with plans for Ross to move to England. At first, Ross’ NYC friends (Joey, Chandler, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe) aren’t keen on Ross leaving. But it doesn’t take long for them to rally in selfless support of their friend who seems to have found the best thing on earth: true love.
Sadly, it turns out not to be true love. Emily, it soon becomes clear, has major trust issues. When the relationship disintegrates over speakerphone during Ross’ going-away party with his NYC besties, Ross quietly hangs up the phone and hangs his head on the kitchen table. Then, in a profound scene showcasing the power of silence and presence, his five friends walk towards him and surround him in a group hug. No lines, no music, no special camera angles, not a peep from the live audience (at least, at first; eventually they heartily applaud). Just Ross, enfolded in the strong and quiet embrace of people who know him deeply, care for him unconditionally, and are there for him completely – “when the rain starts to pour.”
I’ll Be There for You
Whew! I dabbed my eyes, recovered, took a quick bite of sushi, then queued up Golden Girls. Surely this one would be all smiles, right? Wrong! This was the episode sequence where Dorothy almost remarries her ex, Stanley. But at the final hour, Stan shows his true colors by shoving a prenup in Dorothy’s face, along with an ultimatum: “Sign it, or the wedding is off.” Heartbroken by Stan’s surprise precondition, she calls off the wedding. Here again, the episode ends with Dorothy’s dearests–Rose, Blanche, and eventually her mom, Sophia—surrounding her in a heartfelt group hug.
More watery eyes in my flannel PJ’s. lol
These scenes will always be “classic” because they touch on something perennially human: the healing power of authentic, in-person community during the tough patches of life: breakups, losing loved ones, declining health, job loss, and other deep sadnesses. The scenes were especially poignant because it’s getting harder and harder to come by that kind of community these days. Neighbors are less likely to know one another, families are scattered across the country and world, and we’re all increasingly content to fill our need for human connection by using our phones.
In a few weeks, I’ll be heading to Detroit for my annual “Women’s Weekend” – an in-person gathering with six of my dearest girlfriends whom I’ve known since my mid-twenties. Originally, we all lived in the same neighborhood in North Chicago, but now we live all over North America. It’s always a sacrifice of time, dollars, and energy to go to Women’s Weekend, but I wouldn’t give it up for anything. The older I get, the more I see how important it is to ruthlessly create time and space for “in-person” community – for friends who can encircle us physically with the love, laughter, and listening we need to heal and grow.
Life is hard sometimes. Who is “there for you” in the low moments with a hug, a meal, a well-timed joke, a welcoming gaze? I hope you have at least one person in whose physical presence you can find the compassionate comfort you need when your heart is low. Don’t let your relationship with that person (or those people) get stale or malnourished. Get in touch. Make plans to get together. Keep care, trust, and support alive. Because none of us knows when the rain will start to pour. And when it does, may we all find, like Ross, that we shielded from the worst of it by the miracle of true human community.
