“I Know, I know. I’m the Worst!”
Raise your hand if you’ve heard someone say this during a conflict, or maybe you’ve said it yourself! 🖐️
Well, I’ve got news for you: this response is toxic! It’s annoying, frustrating, and it’s time to tackle it head-on in the workplace.
Passive-aggressive, self-deprecating behavior shuts down conversations, breaks connections among coworkers, and builds unnecessary tension.
Spoiler alert: nothing good comes from it!
“Sméagol-ing”
I recently discovered a term that really encapsulates the above behavior: “Sméagol-ing.” Inspired by Dr. James Cordova’s insights, this term describes the transformation of the character from The Lord of the Rings—moving from the aggressive Gollum to the vulnerable Sméagol.*
In the workplace, “Sméagol-ing” often pops up during conflicts between colleagues. For example, when a boss gives constructive feedback, a team member might respond with, “I know, I’m so terrible at my job! I can’t believe you put up with me.”
While it may seem like a harmless self-jab, it diverts attention from the real issue at hand.
Dr. Cordova explains that this behavior might look passive, but it’s really a way of dodging accountability. Instead of engaging with the feedback, it magnifies the problem and seeks reassurance rather than a solution.
None of us wants to be Sméagol (or Gollum for that matter), and thankfully, we don’t have to be! This habit of “Sméagol-ing” can be broken, and it all starts with a little compassion.
Responding with Compassion and Honesty
So, how do we navigate these tricky moments?
Some strategies:
- When you spot a colleague “Sméagol-ing,” start by validating their feelings.A simple, “I get how tough this can be,” can go a long way. Show them you genuinely care about the distress they’re feeling.
- Then, be honest. Clearly and kindly reiterate that you really need them to understand what you’re saying, and why it’s important. You can say, “Let me assure you, no one’s personhood, character, or essence is under attack. I’m simply in search of a solution to X problem, which is important for Y and Z reasons. I need you to join me in that search.”
- If you find yourself slipping into “Sméagol-ing,” don’t give in to that urge to retreat and self-deprecate! That amounts to letting your shame-driven Inner Critic take over. Instead, focus on the issue at hand. Dive into constructive dialogue and really listen. It takes practice and strength to stay present, especially when that pesky discomfort starts to creep in.
Remember, ignoring the conversation can lead to miscommunication, which eats away at trust and can make everything worse— just like Sméagol’s fate in the fiery depths of Mount Doom! 😬 Let’s tackle challenges together instead!Simple practices like deep breathing or short meditations can ground you in the present, reducing anxiety and enhancing clarity. Breathe in calmness, breathe out chaos!
Be Brave & Leave Sméagol Behind!
I think we can all agree on one thing: we don’t want to be Sméagol in our workplaces (or anywhere else, for that matter)! Instead, when conflicts arise, let’s embrace the power of compassion, honesty, and constructive conversation.
*Dunn, J. (2025, April 25). Toxic Relationship Habits You Should Avoid. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/25/well/toxic-relationship-red-flag.html
Photo: compliments of Cotton Hill studios
