Victor Frankl has famously said, “In between the stimulus and the response, there is a space. And in that space is your power and your freedom.”
When something unsettling or uncomfortable happens, what would it be like to catch ourselves in that space prior to our reaction?
Mindfulness teachers often use the word “equanimity” to describe this skill of being aware and “catching ourselves.” Equanimity is basically this:
“Huh. Something just happened, and I can see that I’m having certain thoughts and feelings about it. I’ll just calmly notice how I’m feeling, rather than letting my feelings sweep me up and make me do or say something I might regret.”
An Equanimity Story
About five years ago, during that first hard pandemic year, I remember standing in the kitchen and suddenly feeling so sad, scared, and alone. Strong emotions can do that – they sneak up on you like a wave and try to pull you under.
But on that day in the kitchen, I managed to simply observe the fact that I was feeling sad and alone.
I pictured my negative feeling as a cloud in the middle of the big blue sky of my awareness. I watched the sadness float in, I saw it grow bigger as my throat clenched and tears welled in my eyes. And then I watched how this cloud of sadness got smaller and smaller as it floated by. After a few minutes, it was basically out of sight. I took a deep breath, felt better, and went on scrubbing the pan I was working on.
I had observed my sadness without letting it drown me.
Equanimity is easy to talk about, hard to put to practice. But doing equanimity gets easier over time. It’s like a muscle that needs regular workouts to get stronger. The more you do it, the more your brain strengthens the neural wiring that allows you to be calmly present to yourself in this way.
So. What do these equanimity workouts look like?
Four Pathways to Equanimity
First, mindful breathing helps. Learning and practicing some mindful breathing techniques will begin to alter your brain in ways that make equanimity, more and more, your home base.
Try, for instance, “box breathing.” Close your eyes, relax your belly and shoulders. Now, breathe in for a count of four, hold for a count of four, exhale for a count of four, and hold for a count of four. Repeat four times. As you breathe, you can picture a box or square in your mind’s eye. Imagine slowly traveling up, across, down, and back across the four sides of your imaginary box.
Second, finding a sense of inner safety helps. This is about taming your brain’s hyper-vigilant stress response system. Only a brain that feels truly safe, can slow down and be truly present.
One quick way to find safety is to inwardly talk to the emotion. I know it sounds weird, but it works. You could say, “Oh, hello fear, it’s you again.” Or, “I see you, pissed-off-ness.” Or, “how’s it going, catastrophic thinking.” Just noticing it and naming it influences your brain in a calming way.
Third, waiting helps. In other words—don’t move, don’t act, don’t decide, just be still for a moment. When I’m feeling upset, I will often literally just sit down in a comfortable chair (often with a blanket), close my eyes, and simply breathe. This is about giving it a minute, feeling it, and allowing it to subside.
Research shows that the strongest reactions, if we will just stay with them and let ourselves feel them, will last about 90 seconds. Then they start to fade. I love this quote from Burch and Penman: “If you don’t like your current state of mind, simply wait a while – another one will be along in a minute.”
Fourth, reframing the issue helps. Many of our emotional ups and downs have to do with the way we interpret things, the way we talk to ourselves in our heads. You really do have the power to change the storyline and language of whatever’s going on.
Example: When my 8-year-old is resistant to cleaning their room, simply saying, “Clean your room!” often leads to resistance. Instead, I try reframing the situation by saying, “How about we turn this into a quick challenge? Let’s see how much we can tidy up in just five minutes. Ready? Go!” This approach not only shifts the focus from a chore to a fun activity but also engages them in building a habit of responsibility. By reframing the task, I create a collaborative atmosphere that encourages cooperation rather than resistance.
Hard situations and difficult emotions are par for the course as a leader. It’s just going to be painful sometimes. Equanimity means we acknowledge the hard stuff and feel the pain. But we don’t make it worse by getting carried away in it.
