What if I told you that understanding your attachment style could give you valuable insight into how you deal with conflict?
Decades of research in developmental psychology show that our early attachment experiences with caregivers can impact our social relationships today. And this is especially true in the realm of conflict.
Our attachment style can influence what happens inside us when we feel rejected, criticized, misunderstood, or threatened. It can shape whether we move toward someone, pull away, become anxious, or get defensive.
Understanding these patterns gives us something incredibly valuable: a moment of choice.
How Our Attachment Styles Show Up In Conflict
Which one sounds most like you?
If our general attachment style is “secure,” we tend to navigate conflict well. We can stay connected to the other person while still holding our ground. We are more confident, calm, non-reactive, resilient, and tolerant of discomfort. In the face of social threat, we can remain emotionally regulated.
If our general attachment style is “dismissing,” we’re often tempted to become avoidant and detached in adult relationships. We may hate conflict because it feels like we’re going to get swallowed up in the social tension. When conflict happens, we might become stony or dismissive, withdraw, or utilize the silent treatment. It’s a freeze/flee response to social threats.
If our general attachment style is “preoccupied,” we’re often tempted to become anxious and clingy in adult relationships. We may be terrified of conflict because it feels like we might be rejected or abandoned. When conflict happens, we might become overly apologetic, clingy, indecisive, or even try to manipulate the emotional situation. It’s a freeze/fawn response to social threats.
If our general attachment style is “fearful,” we’re often tempted to become dramatic and erratic in adult relationships. Conflict can make us feel internally disorganized. We fear being rejected ourselves, but may also be quick to reject the other person. When conflict happens, we might become explosive, aggressive, or cruelly dismissive. It’s an amped-u fight/flee response to social threats.
None of these responses make us bad people. They are patterns. And patterns can be understood, interrupted, and changed.
Knowing Your Pattern Gives You A Choice
Knowing your attachment style is key to leading well through conflict.
If you know you’re naturally dismissing and prone to using the silent treatment, you can consciously work to stay more connected and empathic—and get more comfortable with being present and reassuring even when you’d rather withdraw.
If you know you’re naturally preoccupied and prone to being overly clingy and apologetic, you can consciously work to create some distance, avoid apologizing when it isn’t necessary, and get more comfortable with the possibility that someone might not like you.
If you know you’re naturally fearful and prone to being dramatic or erratic, you can consciously work to pause before reacting, regulate your emotions, and stay engaged without attacking, rejecting, or escalating the other person.
Here’s a simple exercise I love to share with my audiences to help them better understand how their attachment styles influence their responses to conflict. Take a moment to fill in the blanks and see what you discover about yourself:
“My attachment style tempts me to be __________ in conflict. I can consciously work to overcome that temptation by __________.”
Simply recognizing our patterns is the first step toward changing them.
Conflict With Others Starts Within Us
We often forget that conflict with others first starts within ourselves before it leads to conflict with others. This is why our attachment styles are so important to our relationships.
Before we engage with someone in the midst of conflict, we need a moment to pause, breathe, and become curious about what is happening inside of us.
What am I feeling right now?
What am I afraid might happen?
How am I tempted to react?
Is this response actually serving me—or is it simply familiar?
That moment of self-assessment provides an opportunity to change our conflict response and, over time, to become more secure in how we relate to others. We can’t change our pasts or the early childhood experiences that shaped us. But we can change how we respond now.
Our attachment styles are not set in stone. They can become an invitation to understand ourselves with greater compassion—and to become more kind, loving, connected, and secure in the way we show up for others. Because becoming more secure doesn’t mean becoming a different person. It means becoming more free to choose how you respond.
Warmly,
Andrea Hollingsworth
